Heartless beings? When men have a new one (too) quickly

After a breakup, men often react incomprehensibly to us women. Apparently they don't mourn the failed relationship for long, but look for the next woman instead. The man: The heartless creature, millions of women must have thought in anger. But, is this really the truth? Are men heartless when they jump straight into the next relationship? Can we accuse women of having loved less and therefore suffering less?

No, says Dr. Frauke Höllering, general practitioner specializing in sexual medicine: "You shouldn't generalize about the separation behavior of men and women. There are enough men who have to recover for months and years from being abandoned. Just as there are women who 'shoot' their husbands as soon as they are not as dreamlike as hoped. It has nothing to do with a general ability to love and suffer."Test: Does your relationship deserve a second chance?

Men and a breakup: the comfort woman

Behind the male tendency to get involved in a new relationship more quickly is less heartlessness than logic and pragmatism, according to the expert: "Many men are simply comfortable and like "It's when they're taken care of at home. The new girl doesn't have to be the woman of her dreams. For many men, she's initially a 'comfort woman', with whom they overlook little quirks. They stay with her as long as it lasts."

Also read a new one directly? How men actually deal with lovesicknessHow to process your breakup to be free for a new loveBreakup stages: 4 steps to a new life

Also read: 7 comforting thoughts to help you after a breakup

Men and a breakup: pragmatism and the instinct for self-preservation

A study by the online dating service ElitePartner.de confirms that many men are quite quick to try their luck in a new partnership. According to this, every fourth newly separated man falls in love with a new partner very quickly. And that means in concrete terms: Just four weeks after the breakup, he is open to a new relationship. The two phases can also overlap.

In other words: the man is already actively looking for a new love, but is still mourning the old one. A kind of self-preservation instinct kicks in here. A protective mechanism for the injured ego. Because, of course, a breakup also affects men and shakes their self-confidence. But their reaction to it is often different than that of women.

Instead of licking their wounds and agonizing over what went wrong, many men seem to be embarking on some kind of rescue program. A measure that shortens the suffering and allows you to end the painful separation more quickly. "Women tend to wallow in misery and self-pity. Men usually don't allow themselves this weakness. That's why they look ahead more quickly," says Dr. Frauke Höllering.

Men and a breakup: Off to new shores

One might be quick to assume that men only numb the pain of their breakup instead of processing it. The expert disagrees: "It has little to do with anesthesia. Men are just more active in closing with the past." Processing includes the realization: The separation can no longer be changed, so I accept it and move on. And that is not stupid at all, but helps men out of the valley of grief faster.

The relationship expert and author Siranus Sven von Staden explained in an interview: "Being newly in love covers up the pain of separation. Men often prefer to reorient themselves instead of thinking about what they did wrong in the failed relationship."

The small difference: women suffer for a long time

The male tactic of looking ahead differs from the strategy that women use after a breakup. Here, too, the study by ElitePartner.de found: Almost 40 percent of women need more than a year to process the separation. Getting over it with a new relationship is out of the question for the majority. The reason: many women see the separation as an opportunity to change and improve things. Psychologist Nathalie Krahé on this in BILD der FRAU: "Many women process a love break-up on a deeper level and don't want to go straight to the next partner." Instead of looking ahead, they first look back and analyze what happened.

Another reason for the different ways of dealing with the tragedy of separation: women often look to themselves for the reason why the partnership fails. The separation is viewed as a personal defeat that needs to be analyzed. All phases of the relationship are examined: What I have done wrong? When could I have changed something? A grueling mental exercise that pushes women much later than men to the point where they have emotionally separated from their ex and are open to a new relationship.

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Nevertheless, the female tactic is not fundamentally the worse. Siranus Sven von Staden says: "I recommend everyone to take a break and ask themselves what led to the breakup. This is only possible if you can stand being alone sometimes. Otherwise the same problems will arise with the next partner ."